Dear Babies,
I need to stop going to Walmart, Target, the grocery store and anywhere there are babies and things. I guess I need to stop going out. Everywhere I go I see baby medicine at the grocery store, baby clothes at malls, baby strollers at Target, baby bottles at Walmart and babies out and about. People come up to ask how far along I am, what I'm having, oh twins what fun you must be so excited they say. I go along with it unsure of how I feel. At times I'm super excited, at times I'm scared, at times I'm mad, happy and sad.
I went to target today I was wondering the baby section, I found bedding that would be perfect, but I don't have a room to put it in. I found car seats that go with strollers, but don't have a car to use. I found bottles, baby food, silverware and baby bowls but don't have a kitchen to put it.i see bouncy seats with monkeys and matching swings but I can't find a place to put those. I see families with babies I see crying babies and think how would I handle that. I see happy babies and think would you boys be happy with me? I see women with big wedding rings and think those babies must have it all, then I remember money won't buy happiness.
I think of the life I could give you and I think of the life you could have. All you need is love, that's what the Beatles say at least, but you need more then that. I barely have an income, I don't want to raise two boys living on assistance my whole life. I want you boys to live in the house with the picket fence, with two moms, two dads, single, white or black I want someone who can raise you because I can't. I am scared, at times I feel hopeless, at times I feel vulnerable and like I could be taken advantage of. At times I know this is right at times I think it's wrong. I wonder how the hell I'll be able to give you boys up. I wonder if I screwed you guys up and that's why your measuring so small. I worry about learning disabilities, birth defects, colick, delays and more. I can't stop thinking about what I did to you guys I don't deserve you guys.
I don't know what to call myself either. He'll, I'm writing to you guys and I call myself mommy, but what if so done else is your mommy, that hurts to think about so for now I will sign it...
Love you boys,
Me...a mom for 9 months
I am so sorry you had such a rough day. I can relate to you in a different sort of way. I lost 6 pregnancies including twins before it was certain I couldn't have more children. I have a hard time in baby sections and seeing moms with their babies. I still find myself picking stuff out. I am lucky though that I miraculously had my daughter at 18. A few things I learned during the process is that I have to trust my higher power so I can find some peace and that no one else gets to define the love I have for my children. I look at you and I'm amazed. No one could possibly love your sons as much as you do. You will always be their mom and you're showing your love by truly do what you feel is the best thing for them.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure why your blog has touched me so much but I am definitely praying for you. Remember that you can't change anything in the past but you're doing wonderful now. Keep up the good word hun! :)
I'm sorry you have had a hard day. I think you are a very story women for going through this alone (when I say alone I mean single without the father) you are so brave. I wish you all the best.
ReplyDeleteHi Lila,
ReplyDeleteMy name is heather and I saw your post on the baby canter site that I am on. Your delivery day is 1 day after mine. I am pregnant with my first child and an due on aug 9 2014. I want you to know what an amazing and beautiful person you are. Although in life we might have weak moments and give in to temptations, it takes an extremely strong person to admit to problems and get help for them. I think you are truly an amazing woman.
I have read your blog and feel like it was put in my path for a reason. My husband has a 24 year old cousin who is also addicted to drugs, sells drugs, as well as cooks drugs. He drinks as well. His drug of choice is meth. We decided to bring him to our house here in Northern Illinois (about an hour from Chicago) and try to get him back on the right path. We had him for 7 weeks. He was going through rehab, in an anger management class and on his way to a better life. One day he decided he was tired of fighting the fight to sobriety and left to go back to his home town in Indiana. He has since shoes to go back into that drug world. He also has 2 young boys.
It was extremely hard for us to let him go but we had to. We could not make him want to get help. We could not make him want to get better. The hardest thing for us at this point has been to sit back and let him go.
Please do take, the way your brother and his wife are acting, personal. It is not only hard for the addict but also the people that love the addict. Having to choose "tough love" has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
We are still working and hoping that he makes the decision to go into rehab like you are doing. We found and amazing 9-12 month program for him in Illinois called the Rockford Rescue Mission. It is a live in rehab facility for both men and women. It also teaches you all of the life skills, helps you get a GED, write resumes, get jobs, get an apartment later down the line. It is an amazing program.
I also met an amazing girl named Katie Hansen along this process. She is also a recovering addict and has been sober for 3 years. She now mentors other recovering addicts. I have attached her story to your blog.
I know you don't know be but I think you are an amazing women and find what you are doing to be very admirable. I did not know how to contact you privately so I had to create this post. If you ever want to talk or just need to vent and would like an ear to listen to please contact me. My email address is heatherjr@hotmail.com
I also wanted to attach Katie's blog. She is amazing and has an incredible story as well. Please feel free to reach out to her as well. She would love to talk to you.
Lastly, please feel free to pass my email address along to your brother. If he would like to reach out to another family that has a relative who is going through the same thing you are, please tell him to contact us. We would love to help support you guys.
Lila don't stop being strong. You really are amazing and please don't ever let anyone ever tell you otherwise!!!! I am very proud of you for what you are doing to make your life better for you and your boys.
Ps here is Katie's blog:
http://clingtotherock.blogspot.com/2011/09/katies-story-from-granger-community.html?m=1
My heart ached as I was reading. You are very brave. I was 15 when I was first pregnant and my family put me in a girls home to give their babies up for adoption. Things for me had changed and I chose not to but the other girls did and I have so much respect for you! You will always be their mother, you give them life. I am not very religious but I will pray for your peace!
ReplyDeleteMy heart ached as I was reading. You are very brave. I was 15 when I was first pregnant and my family put me in a girls home to give their babies up for adoption. Things for me had changed and I chose not to but the other girls did and I have so much respect for you! You will always be their mother, you give them life. I am not very religious but I will pray for your peace!
ReplyDeleteI can relate to the pain the baby departments bring, not because I placed but because I wanted to badly to be a mom for years and years before it happened.
ReplyDeleteWhen is your next ultrasound? Maybe they can check in on the babies again and give you some peace of mind.