Day 42

Dear babies,
Wow day 42 that's amazing. I know it seems like nothing to you boys but it's huge one day you will understand. You will understand why I had to do drugs so I could get a wake up call, why I went to rehab so you could be as healthy as possible and why I think I'm finally comfortable with the idea of adoption, wow that sounds crazy, I wouldn't say I'm at piece with my decision but I know it's the right decision   and there is still lots of time.
I met with a social worker today I loved her. I looked trough adoptive parents profiles, parents who could raise you, though I will probably still think of me as mommy. There were so many nice looking parents, some with dogs, some cats, some single, some black, white and blue. Gay straight and single. There are so many options. I have the perfect family in my mind now I need to find them. I have lots of paperwork to fill out all about me, your dad and my past.
It's scary to think about my past. My family that never was, my siblings who resent me and my parents I barely know. I hope you don't have that you don't deserve it. You boys deserve the best, you deserve a family, you deserve siblings who,will,love you, you deserve everything I didn't get and that's why your going to go to the best family there is.
They ask about your dad and I don't know what to say, so I called him today. I have not talked to him since he packed my bags and left them at the door when I was early in my pregnancy. I won't forget when he said I cheated on him, or when he said to never talk to him again. He ignored me. I texted him stating I'm putting the babies up for adoption, he doesn't deserve to know that your boys. He didn't care I was homeless, he didn't know I went to rehab and when I texted him he asked me about drugs I didn't answer. I can't. I can't begin to think of how to answer the question of do you have meth? No I don't, I don't today won't tomorrow and won't in five years, I'm better then that. I'm to strong for drugs I'm stronger then him im Clean and that takes courage he' doesn't care about me he didn't ask about other best boys ever and that's okay, he doesn't need to know.
I think you boys were kicking me today but I'm not sure, I know you want more pizza though!
Love you,
Mommy