Dear Babies,
As I sit here and I write day four it hurts, I wish it wasn't. I wish I was not living with regrets for what I did the other night but I am. I've heard babies are more effected by drinking and drugs early in the pregnancy while this is comforting to me now I think back to the beginning of my pregnancy and the ways I screwed up so early on.
I got an ultrasound today, your both measuring very small, healthy but tiny, probably the effect of drugs, my fault. The doctors said they won't know much till your born and you will probably be taken away from me right away by child protection services, deserved to say the least. So the fact that I hopefully have two great dads for you boys helps. I can't believe I could do this to two,little humans who have yet be born. I'm not even giving you a fighting chance. It was not just alcohol the night I relapsed I'll leave it at that. I seriously want to curl up in a ball and cry, which I do. I want you guys in a different moms belly one who can take care if you even before your born. If I'm screwing up now could you imagine me as a mom?
I am so sorry
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Day 2
Dearest boys,
I've made it to day 2. Not easy to say the least, but lots of meetings, healthy eating, working out and talking to people who understand have helped. I met your potential fathers today. I was so nervous to meet them. I didn't know if I should tell them what I did this week and the relapse. I was so scared to meet them in such an informal environment. However it went great. I did a lot of crying I usually am crying these days. We had an informal talk for 2.5 hours, and it was so casual like the three of us had known each other all along. I told them right away about my relapse. I told them I understood if they wanted "out" as I obviously harmed their babies, but they assured me they were not going any where. They told me next time I'm in That position to give them a call, they gave me a picture of them I'll keep in my purse and every time I think about a relapse I can look at that picture and remember the lives I'm carrying for two amazing people. I'm in no way ready to make a final decision and I let them know that and they appreciated the honesty. Either way they said they want to be involved in my life and help me. They said they don't want me to change my mind but understand the process. I reassured them if I give you up you would be going to them I'm not talking to any other families. They assured me they would wait for me they would not be looking into other children and would hold out hope. So all together we have this uncertain informal agreement of sorts.
I go to the doctor this week and said I'd call them after the appointment and send them pictures.
I don't have much else to tell you boys as I'm in a sort of shock but I'm in a much better place then a couple days ago, I thank you two:)
I've made it to day 2. Not easy to say the least, but lots of meetings, healthy eating, working out and talking to people who understand have helped. I met your potential fathers today. I was so nervous to meet them. I didn't know if I should tell them what I did this week and the relapse. I was so scared to meet them in such an informal environment. However it went great. I did a lot of crying I usually am crying these days. We had an informal talk for 2.5 hours, and it was so casual like the three of us had known each other all along. I told them right away about my relapse. I told them I understood if they wanted "out" as I obviously harmed their babies, but they assured me they were not going any where. They told me next time I'm in That position to give them a call, they gave me a picture of them I'll keep in my purse and every time I think about a relapse I can look at that picture and remember the lives I'm carrying for two amazing people. I'm in no way ready to make a final decision and I let them know that and they appreciated the honesty. Either way they said they want to be involved in my life and help me. They said they don't want me to change my mind but understand the process. I reassured them if I give you up you would be going to them I'm not talking to any other families. They assured me they would wait for me they would not be looking into other children and would hold out hope. So all together we have this uncertain informal agreement of sorts.
I go to the doctor this week and said I'd call them after the appointment and send them pictures.
I don't have much else to tell you boys as I'm in a sort of shock but I'm in a much better place then a couple days ago, I thank you two:)
Friday, March 21, 2014
Day 0
Disclaimer: I don't write this blog for negative comments, they will not be read or posted so don't bother. I write this blog for therapeutic purposes for myself and to be 100 percent honest with my babies and myself for once in my life
Dear babies,
That's right the title says day 0. My roommate had her baby girl this morning, a gorgeous baby girl, healthy and happy, I went to see her and the baby in the hospital. She was planning on placing the baby. She's a perfect baby a few weeks early but perfect. My roommate ( I will protect her identity and call her roommate) delivered the baby and didn't look at her. The adoptive parents came in and took over. I was visiting with my roommate at the hospital today, we talked and cried. She wanted to see the baby but was scared to. I told her she had every right to see her baby and the baby was still hers.she decided she wanted to and she saw the baby, the love, the smile on her face is something I don't know how to explain it was love, she held the baby for a long time I went home, she calls me to come back so I do, she says she can't go through with it, when she said those words I knew what she meant she couldn't place the baby. A decision she was so sure about, the parents who were perfect that she picked, she couldn't go through with it.
She broke hearts today but made her heart happy. Maybe it's selfish I don't know. I'm not sure how it happened I went home as she was meeting with a social worker but I know she is going to keep the baby. In a matter of 12 hrs her mind gets changed.
Tonight I was scared, I am scared. I am anxious, I'm sad. I'm sad for the life I can't give you, I'm sad for the parents who thought they were becoming parents today, I'm happy for my roommate and sad that she will be leaving me. I'm scared for the possible dads you could have, I'm scared at my reaction when your born, I know I can't keep you but I never though if I'd look at you guys if I could if I'd want to hold you and how my thinking would change if I did.
Adoption didn't feel so real until today and i made the worst mistake I could. I borrowed someone's car, put on sweats and a baggy sweatshirt and turned into an addict. I had one goal in mind and that was to drink my sorrows away. I drove quickly through yellow and red lights like a bat out of hell to get that drink. I went into the store, no one could tell I was pregnant I wasn't embarrassed, ashamed or thinking it was a bad idea. I got a bottle of vodka and some sprite. I figured I can't drink caffeine I'll drink sprite, it never occurred to me to get the coke and not the vodka. We can't have drugs or alcohol where I live so I sat in a gas station parking lot drinking my sorrows away. A swig of vodka a swig of sprite, think, touch my belly repeat. Thus went on for four "swigs", then I saw a baby outside, I called my sponsor with vodka in one hand non caffeinated soda in another sitting in my car with the keys next to me in the cold. We talked about why I'm drinking and what I'm thinking. Was it a good idea for me to go to the hospital? Is it a good idea to be around women who are pregnant? We did decide, I am not going to the hospital when people have babies anymore. It made me nervous, it brought emotions that I can't deal with but need to learn how to, which obviously I haven't learned to yet. I was vulnerable I still am.
My sponsor came to pick me up, we dumped out the vodka and the sprite as the sprite had tastes of vodka on the lid she stayed with me for a while. I called and confessed to my roommate the selfish act I committed tonight. She admitted her selfish act, her change of heart and the next steps she will take. Now I sit on my bed in a room, an empty room thinking of my friend and her change of heart and what would happen if I have a change of heart. Selfishly I tell myself I can drink more I won't be raising these babies or having to deal with the problems you will have cause I'm an idiot, then I kick myself. I can't believe I am taking like this, like a self centered ass whole. So I journal I com e here to write it may not make sense it may seem terrible but The first step to sobriety is honesty. I don't know what to say tonight but I'm being honest.
Right now is a new day, when I threw the alcohol away I started over it's back to day one.
I am sorry, you have no idea how sorry I am. I just want to give you the perfect life it's just so damn hard.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Day 57- the perfect family
Dear babies,
There is no such thing as a perfect family I have come to accept that, families fight and argue, some have parents, some have black sheeps others don't talk to each other but at the end of the day everyone gathers around the table and talks bout their day. Maybe they bitch, maybe they complain, maybe they fight but they talk and they listen to each other. This is what I learned today when meeting potential dads, we will call them A and J.
There perfect family is one where they can sit at the dinner table and argue, fight, discuss and go to bed happy . They understand things happen, they know there will be fights, that they will make mistakes and that parenting a child is the hardest thing ever, the biggest responsibility ever ( especially when it's someone else's kid) and mistakes will happen. However at the end of the day they want to come home and be able to sit down to discuss argue and laugh about their day.
Today we met, and they told me their plans. They have had this planned for years.
A and J work, they plan to still work, stating daycare is good for kids. They would want to hire a nanny the first year then off to daycare to socialize meet friends and learn. A is a teacher J is a pediatrician. A and J both have parents who are still together and living close by. they both have siblings, and lots of nieces and nephew, everyone is living close by and excited for them to finalize an adoption. They are half Jewish half Catholic and celebrate all major holidays for each religion. They are big on traditions and family. Sunday night dinners happen weekly as do trips to the mountain house. A and J travel often and can't wait to take their children with them. They live a healthy life style exercising, doing yoga and enjoying the outdoors.
But most of all, they understand me, or they pretend to. They know I come from an addictive family, they know my past, they know what I want my future to be. They know the potential risks you boys face and they know the risks of adoption, they have had two failed placements, they understand my decision and understand I could back out at anytime. They understand I will always be mom, and I like that. I,like that there are two dads, selfishly I don't want you to have another mom, however I'm well aware that this could happen with adoption.
I am going to get lunch with them on Sunday. Right now I just want to get to know them they want to get to know me that is all it is. I don't think I will invite them to drs appointments anytime soon though.
Love mommy
There is no such thing as a perfect family I have come to accept that, families fight and argue, some have parents, some have black sheeps others don't talk to each other but at the end of the day everyone gathers around the table and talks bout their day. Maybe they bitch, maybe they complain, maybe they fight but they talk and they listen to each other. This is what I learned today when meeting potential dads, we will call them A and J.
There perfect family is one where they can sit at the dinner table and argue, fight, discuss and go to bed happy . They understand things happen, they know there will be fights, that they will make mistakes and that parenting a child is the hardest thing ever, the biggest responsibility ever ( especially when it's someone else's kid) and mistakes will happen. However at the end of the day they want to come home and be able to sit down to discuss argue and laugh about their day.
Today we met, and they told me their plans. They have had this planned for years.
A and J work, they plan to still work, stating daycare is good for kids. They would want to hire a nanny the first year then off to daycare to socialize meet friends and learn. A is a teacher J is a pediatrician. A and J both have parents who are still together and living close by. they both have siblings, and lots of nieces and nephew, everyone is living close by and excited for them to finalize an adoption. They are half Jewish half Catholic and celebrate all major holidays for each religion. They are big on traditions and family. Sunday night dinners happen weekly as do trips to the mountain house. A and J travel often and can't wait to take their children with them. They live a healthy life style exercising, doing yoga and enjoying the outdoors.
But most of all, they understand me, or they pretend to. They know I come from an addictive family, they know my past, they know what I want my future to be. They know the potential risks you boys face and they know the risks of adoption, they have had two failed placements, they understand my decision and understand I could back out at anytime. They understand I will always be mom, and I like that. I,like that there are two dads, selfishly I don't want you to have another mom, however I'm well aware that this could happen with adoption.
I am going to get lunch with them on Sunday. Right now I just want to get to know them they want to get to know me that is all it is. I don't think I will invite them to drs appointments anytime soon though.
Love mommy
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Day 56
Dear boys,
Tomorrow is the big day. 10am I will be meeting two dads, two dads who seem to have it all. Jobs, houses, families, friends and pets. They have more then I can offer you. I have tried I really have but I don't see this working. I don't have many friends left aside from ones I met in rehab, I have no family, I do talk to your uncle sometimes but not often. I have a terrible job waiting tables making crap for money and I have no furniture, no car no home. I gave up my car I was to afraid of getting a DUI. That's sad, I drink so much I don't drive, sad.
Tomorrow at 10 I will see your potential dads, I will meet two people who have no other way to start a family but through adoption. That's why I picked them, lesbians can get pregnant, couples can try to get pregnant and have an easier time adopting, gay dads can't. They have no other offer so I offer them this gift the gift of adoption. They will meet me, I'll show them ultrasound pictures and I will hope they fall in love with you because I sure as hell have.
Tomorrow is the big day. 10am I will be meeting two dads, two dads who seem to have it all. Jobs, houses, families, friends and pets. They have more then I can offer you. I have tried I really have but I don't see this working. I don't have many friends left aside from ones I met in rehab, I have no family, I do talk to your uncle sometimes but not often. I have a terrible job waiting tables making crap for money and I have no furniture, no car no home. I gave up my car I was to afraid of getting a DUI. That's sad, I drink so much I don't drive, sad.
Tomorrow at 10 I will see your potential dads, I will meet two people who have no other way to start a family but through adoption. That's why I picked them, lesbians can get pregnant, couples can try to get pregnant and have an easier time adopting, gay dads can't. They have no other offer so I offer them this gift the gift of adoption. They will meet me, I'll show them ultrasound pictures and I will hope they fall in love with you because I sure as hell have.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Day 55
Hi my lovely boys,
I made is through saint Patricks day with no beer in hand.... I was freaked out about it but didn't go into a bar and didn't take a drink. Every st Patricks day I would go get plastered and high not this one I went to work, to meetings and talked to your possible birth daddy's on the phone I also got to see you boys again. I had a ultrasound yesterday and your both still measuring small I keep hoping your going to grow more. I'm considered high risk because of the drug use, and that's probably why your both so tiny, I'll be monitored weekly, but that also means I get to see you boys more.
I talked to your possible daddies yesterday for a half hour and I love them. We are setting up a time to meet on Thursday at the agency I'm so nervous. I told them everything there is to know I was very honest and forward they asked questions shares my concern but said they'd accept US no matter what. When they said us and not the babies I almost cried, someone to accept me? I've never had that. They are local and live In a great area of town. They have no other kids and are not sure if they'd want more at this point. They want a very open adoption as do I so I'm hoping this works out!
You would love them!
love, me:)
I made is through saint Patricks day with no beer in hand.... I was freaked out about it but didn't go into a bar and didn't take a drink. Every st Patricks day I would go get plastered and high not this one I went to work, to meetings and talked to your possible birth daddy's on the phone I also got to see you boys again. I had a ultrasound yesterday and your both still measuring small I keep hoping your going to grow more. I'm considered high risk because of the drug use, and that's probably why your both so tiny, I'll be monitored weekly, but that also means I get to see you boys more.
I talked to your possible daddies yesterday for a half hour and I love them. We are setting up a time to meet on Thursday at the agency I'm so nervous. I told them everything there is to know I was very honest and forward they asked questions shares my concern but said they'd accept US no matter what. When they said us and not the babies I almost cried, someone to accept me? I've never had that. They are local and live In a great area of town. They have no other kids and are not sure if they'd want more at this point. They want a very open adoption as do I so I'm hoping this works out!
You would love them!
love, me:)
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Day 53
Dear Babies,
I need to stop going to Walmart, Target, the grocery store and anywhere there are babies and things. I guess I need to stop going out. Everywhere I go I see baby medicine at the grocery store, baby clothes at malls, baby strollers at Target, baby bottles at Walmart and babies out and about. People come up to ask how far along I am, what I'm having, oh twins what fun you must be so excited they say. I go along with it unsure of how I feel. At times I'm super excited, at times I'm scared, at times I'm mad, happy and sad.
I went to target today I was wondering the baby section, I found bedding that would be perfect, but I don't have a room to put it in. I found car seats that go with strollers, but don't have a car to use. I found bottles, baby food, silverware and baby bowls but don't have a kitchen to put it.i see bouncy seats with monkeys and matching swings but I can't find a place to put those. I see families with babies I see crying babies and think how would I handle that. I see happy babies and think would you boys be happy with me? I see women with big wedding rings and think those babies must have it all, then I remember money won't buy happiness.
I think of the life I could give you and I think of the life you could have. All you need is love, that's what the Beatles say at least, but you need more then that. I barely have an income, I don't want to raise two boys living on assistance my whole life. I want you boys to live in the house with the picket fence, with two moms, two dads, single, white or black I want someone who can raise you because I can't. I am scared, at times I feel hopeless, at times I feel vulnerable and like I could be taken advantage of. At times I know this is right at times I think it's wrong. I wonder how the hell I'll be able to give you boys up. I wonder if I screwed you guys up and that's why your measuring so small. I worry about learning disabilities, birth defects, colick, delays and more. I can't stop thinking about what I did to you guys I don't deserve you guys.
I don't know what to call myself either. He'll, I'm writing to you guys and I call myself mommy, but what if so done else is your mommy, that hurts to think about so for now I will sign it...
Love you boys,
Me...a mom for 9 months
I need to stop going to Walmart, Target, the grocery store and anywhere there are babies and things. I guess I need to stop going out. Everywhere I go I see baby medicine at the grocery store, baby clothes at malls, baby strollers at Target, baby bottles at Walmart and babies out and about. People come up to ask how far along I am, what I'm having, oh twins what fun you must be so excited they say. I go along with it unsure of how I feel. At times I'm super excited, at times I'm scared, at times I'm mad, happy and sad.
I went to target today I was wondering the baby section, I found bedding that would be perfect, but I don't have a room to put it in. I found car seats that go with strollers, but don't have a car to use. I found bottles, baby food, silverware and baby bowls but don't have a kitchen to put it.i see bouncy seats with monkeys and matching swings but I can't find a place to put those. I see families with babies I see crying babies and think how would I handle that. I see happy babies and think would you boys be happy with me? I see women with big wedding rings and think those babies must have it all, then I remember money won't buy happiness.
I think of the life I could give you and I think of the life you could have. All you need is love, that's what the Beatles say at least, but you need more then that. I barely have an income, I don't want to raise two boys living on assistance my whole life. I want you boys to live in the house with the picket fence, with two moms, two dads, single, white or black I want someone who can raise you because I can't. I am scared, at times I feel hopeless, at times I feel vulnerable and like I could be taken advantage of. At times I know this is right at times I think it's wrong. I wonder how the hell I'll be able to give you boys up. I wonder if I screwed you guys up and that's why your measuring so small. I worry about learning disabilities, birth defects, colick, delays and more. I can't stop thinking about what I did to you guys I don't deserve you guys.
I don't know what to call myself either. He'll, I'm writing to you guys and I call myself mommy, but what if so done else is your mommy, that hurts to think about so for now I will sign it...
Love you boys,
Me...a mom for 9 months
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Day 52
Dear babies
Since I'm not drinking and not using I need to learn different ways to handle stress. It was always drugs and drinking, no matter if I'm happy, sad depressed or stressed I drank and used, I emailed a family that I thought would be perfect for you boys and I had to wait a while to hear back from them and I was super anxious and stressed. I felt like they were perfect but didn't want to be judged, I didn't want them to think I was a scammer and waiting for them to email me back was so stressful.
Well, after not sleeping much last night I woke up to an email. I was upfront and honest with them, I told them what id done in the past, the story of my life and we've emailed back a few times this morning, they sent me pictures of their family, their house and their dog. They have a room already, the walls were chocolate brown ( my favorite) and big enough for two cribs! They told me, " the past is the past you can only change the future". So true.
I am excited I said I'm 95 % sure I want to place them but I still have that little doubt in my mind, maybe I always will but I truly think this is what's best for you, be it with this family or another they can truly give you what I can't.
Now I'm anxious and excited and I'm dealing with it in ways I never imagined. I'm reading old gossip magazines that are left laying around, taking walks, going to yoga, write to my babies and making new friends.
More to come:)
Mommy
Since I'm not drinking and not using I need to learn different ways to handle stress. It was always drugs and drinking, no matter if I'm happy, sad depressed or stressed I drank and used, I emailed a family that I thought would be perfect for you boys and I had to wait a while to hear back from them and I was super anxious and stressed. I felt like they were perfect but didn't want to be judged, I didn't want them to think I was a scammer and waiting for them to email me back was so stressful.
Well, after not sleeping much last night I woke up to an email. I was upfront and honest with them, I told them what id done in the past, the story of my life and we've emailed back a few times this morning, they sent me pictures of their family, their house and their dog. They have a room already, the walls were chocolate brown ( my favorite) and big enough for two cribs! They told me, " the past is the past you can only change the future". So true.
I am excited I said I'm 95 % sure I want to place them but I still have that little doubt in my mind, maybe I always will but I truly think this is what's best for you, be it with this family or another they can truly give you what I can't.
Now I'm anxious and excited and I'm dealing with it in ways I never imagined. I'm reading old gossip magazines that are left laying around, taking walks, going to yoga, write to my babies and making new friends.
More to come:)
Mommy
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Day 50
Dear boys,
Mommy made the leap today, I emailed the couple I wrote bout yesterday. I do t have much to write tonight bit I'm excited and nervous I really hope they won't judge me and give you boys a chance.
Love mommy
Mommy made the leap today, I emailed the couple I wrote bout yesterday. I do t have much to write tonight bit I'm excited and nervous I really hope they won't judge me and give you boys a chance.
Love mommy
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Day 49
Hi babies!
A lots happened the past few days. Your daddy got arrested, he's in jail for cocaine possession. I heard this through an old friend, a friend I no longer talk to. She called and asked me "aren't you bored?" I asked what do you mean, she says, what do you do all day? I used to sit on my butt all day doing drugs and drinking. I'd be high drunk or sleeping. Right now I'd probably be in jail with you dad, I won't lie I've been in jail it's a place I don't want to go back to. No more drug deals in bathrooms no more drinking I can't handle it and I know that. I told my friend what I do with my days, therapies, work, meetings, exercise and knew friends I think I shocked her when I told her I am 49 days sober. I was very proud. She asked to get a drink I laughed the dumb girl didn't even listen to my words saying I'm sober went through rehab. I was proud of myself for saying no.
I am having a hard time, I know I want to put you boys up for adoption but that's so dang hard, I have names for you boys that may not get used, I had fantasies about what my life would be like with kids, I thought I'd be married with the white picket fence, but that's not for me not now. I was going to stay home while my husband worked as a doctor or lawyer, maybe every girl has that dream. I want you to have that, that's why I'm placing you boys. You will stay together there is no way I will separate you.
I met with my brother today, we had. Really great lunch, we talked for two and a half hours we have never talked that long. He still won't let me around his kids, I understand that he doesn't trust me yet I need to earn his trust. I don't know how he turned out so well, he has the life I want for you boys, I hope one day you can meet him he's who I look up to right now. I want his life, a kids wife a great marriage making enough money ect. You boys will have that.
I have a family I'd love to meet, but I'm scared I'm scared to make that leap and reach out to them. They are two dads, they want a very open adoption and I'm so scared to reach out to them, like their a celebrity or something, one is a pediatrician the other a school teacher. You would have good health and a great education. But why am I so scared to reach out? Will they sy no to me? If I said I did drugs early on will they deny me? Will they love you like I do?
Not only am I happy with what these dads look like on paper I feel like they have the hardest time getting a child. A lesbian couple one can get pregnant, they can use a surrogate there are options these dads have none.
Maybe I'll write to them and reach out its a huge leap though I'm not sure I'm ready to take but will I ever be?
Love you,
Mommy ( feels wierd saying that though)
A lots happened the past few days. Your daddy got arrested, he's in jail for cocaine possession. I heard this through an old friend, a friend I no longer talk to. She called and asked me "aren't you bored?" I asked what do you mean, she says, what do you do all day? I used to sit on my butt all day doing drugs and drinking. I'd be high drunk or sleeping. Right now I'd probably be in jail with you dad, I won't lie I've been in jail it's a place I don't want to go back to. No more drug deals in bathrooms no more drinking I can't handle it and I know that. I told my friend what I do with my days, therapies, work, meetings, exercise and knew friends I think I shocked her when I told her I am 49 days sober. I was very proud. She asked to get a drink I laughed the dumb girl didn't even listen to my words saying I'm sober went through rehab. I was proud of myself for saying no.
I am having a hard time, I know I want to put you boys up for adoption but that's so dang hard, I have names for you boys that may not get used, I had fantasies about what my life would be like with kids, I thought I'd be married with the white picket fence, but that's not for me not now. I was going to stay home while my husband worked as a doctor or lawyer, maybe every girl has that dream. I want you to have that, that's why I'm placing you boys. You will stay together there is no way I will separate you.
I met with my brother today, we had. Really great lunch, we talked for two and a half hours we have never talked that long. He still won't let me around his kids, I understand that he doesn't trust me yet I need to earn his trust. I don't know how he turned out so well, he has the life I want for you boys, I hope one day you can meet him he's who I look up to right now. I want his life, a kids wife a great marriage making enough money ect. You boys will have that.
I have a family I'd love to meet, but I'm scared I'm scared to make that leap and reach out to them. They are two dads, they want a very open adoption and I'm so scared to reach out to them, like their a celebrity or something, one is a pediatrician the other a school teacher. You would have good health and a great education. But why am I so scared to reach out? Will they sy no to me? If I said I did drugs early on will they deny me? Will they love you like I do?
Not only am I happy with what these dads look like on paper I feel like they have the hardest time getting a child. A lesbian couple one can get pregnant, they can use a surrogate there are options these dads have none.
Maybe I'll write to them and reach out its a huge leap though I'm not sure I'm ready to take but will I ever be?
Love you,
Mommy ( feels wierd saying that though)
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Day 46
Dear babies,
My 12 step programs talk to me about a higher power. I never know what to say at meetings when people talk about God or their higher power so I just say higher power, I rarely say that or talk about that though, it's taken me a long time to say " hi I'm lila I'm an addict". It used to be simple I'm lila, I was embarrassed and I did t want to admit it. Now I see new comers who are in rehab ( we have three programs ) step one is inpatient, step two is transitional inpatient rehab ( for lack of a better term), step three is transitional housing ( where I will go after your born). Anyways back to my story for you boys, I go to twelve step programs ( I'm on step two of the rehab program), and I gladly say I'm an addict. I don't know what to say when we talk about higher powers. I honestly don't believe in anything, I'm not religious and I never was.
Well, last night I was a little depressed. I was second guessing adoption, no one was a round and my brother is ignoring me I believe. I went to a liquor store I decided I will just walk in, no harm there right? I walk in and walk put, I drive a little and go into another liquor store. Once again I step out get in my car and drive along, I hit the third one I grab a case of beer and I'm in line holding a case of beer at 18 weeks pregnant.
I'm next in line and I feel something in my tummy, maybe it was you guys kicking me ( though I hear this doesn't happen till later) maybe you boys were fighting ( it's to early for that by the way play nice please), maybe one of you were moving ( I know small space in there). I feel it and put my hand on my tummy, I'm big enough to look pregnant. The person at the register says next and I stand there with my hand on my tummy I notice the stairs I'm receiving, rightfully so a pregnant women in a liquor store holding something that warns pregnant women not to drink it. Again the person at the counter says next, I feel something I feel the stares and I walk away.
Someone follows me, I put the case away sigh and smile I walk out. A lady comes out, she tells me I am so proud of you I know how hard that must have been, she understood, we talk for a little bit, she tells me she was having a hard night had been an alcoholic and in recovery for 1 year as of today. She to was in line with a bottle of rum in her hand. She thanked me, I said I did nothing my babies did. You babies are my higher power. You are that ladies higher power. She walked out and drove home to her husband and kids, I drove to the 24 hour doughnut shop and I was happy. I was relieved I kept touching my belly thanking you boys as I sat in the car crying. I did what your supposed to do at these times, yes it was late but I made some calls, I left a voicemail for my sponsor vowing to get a doughnut and go home and I did. I get back and my roommate is there we turn in a chick flick and eat doughnuts, drink hot chocolate, and talk about how amazing a sober life is. We stay up late in our pjs laughing and crying talking to our babies.
I didn't choose this life, you didn't either it's not fair to you. I didn't choose any of this but I can change it. Thanks to you boys I was able to get up this morning and thank my boys for getting me to day 46. Maybe those were flutters I felt maybe gas I have no idea but if I wasn't pregnant I wouldn't feel them. I wouldn't be here I'd maybe be in jail or a hospital thanks to your dad.
I wonder if I will let you guys read these one day, it's a lot to handle but maybe one day you will understand why I placed you at what's going to be an amazing home. You will hopefully thank me and hopefully not understand my addiction.
Thank you for being you, thanks for staying in there, we are almost half way there.
Love you!!!!
Mommy
My 12 step programs talk to me about a higher power. I never know what to say at meetings when people talk about God or their higher power so I just say higher power, I rarely say that or talk about that though, it's taken me a long time to say " hi I'm lila I'm an addict". It used to be simple I'm lila, I was embarrassed and I did t want to admit it. Now I see new comers who are in rehab ( we have three programs ) step one is inpatient, step two is transitional inpatient rehab ( for lack of a better term), step three is transitional housing ( where I will go after your born). Anyways back to my story for you boys, I go to twelve step programs ( I'm on step two of the rehab program), and I gladly say I'm an addict. I don't know what to say when we talk about higher powers. I honestly don't believe in anything, I'm not religious and I never was.
Well, last night I was a little depressed. I was second guessing adoption, no one was a round and my brother is ignoring me I believe. I went to a liquor store I decided I will just walk in, no harm there right? I walk in and walk put, I drive a little and go into another liquor store. Once again I step out get in my car and drive along, I hit the third one I grab a case of beer and I'm in line holding a case of beer at 18 weeks pregnant.
I'm next in line and I feel something in my tummy, maybe it was you guys kicking me ( though I hear this doesn't happen till later) maybe you boys were fighting ( it's to early for that by the way play nice please), maybe one of you were moving ( I know small space in there). I feel it and put my hand on my tummy, I'm big enough to look pregnant. The person at the register says next and I stand there with my hand on my tummy I notice the stairs I'm receiving, rightfully so a pregnant women in a liquor store holding something that warns pregnant women not to drink it. Again the person at the counter says next, I feel something I feel the stares and I walk away.
Someone follows me, I put the case away sigh and smile I walk out. A lady comes out, she tells me I am so proud of you I know how hard that must have been, she understood, we talk for a little bit, she tells me she was having a hard night had been an alcoholic and in recovery for 1 year as of today. She to was in line with a bottle of rum in her hand. She thanked me, I said I did nothing my babies did. You babies are my higher power. You are that ladies higher power. She walked out and drove home to her husband and kids, I drove to the 24 hour doughnut shop and I was happy. I was relieved I kept touching my belly thanking you boys as I sat in the car crying. I did what your supposed to do at these times, yes it was late but I made some calls, I left a voicemail for my sponsor vowing to get a doughnut and go home and I did. I get back and my roommate is there we turn in a chick flick and eat doughnuts, drink hot chocolate, and talk about how amazing a sober life is. We stay up late in our pjs laughing and crying talking to our babies.
I didn't choose this life, you didn't either it's not fair to you. I didn't choose any of this but I can change it. Thanks to you boys I was able to get up this morning and thank my boys for getting me to day 46. Maybe those were flutters I felt maybe gas I have no idea but if I wasn't pregnant I wouldn't feel them. I wouldn't be here I'd maybe be in jail or a hospital thanks to your dad.
I wonder if I will let you guys read these one day, it's a lot to handle but maybe one day you will understand why I placed you at what's going to be an amazing home. You will hopefully thank me and hopefully not understand my addiction.
Thank you for being you, thanks for staying in there, we are almost half way there.
Love you!!!!
Mommy
Friday, March 7, 2014
Day 44
Dearest baby boys,
It's Friday night and I'm sitting in my room. I could go to a bar, I could go do drugs, I could go dancing, but those are my triggers and I need to stay away from bars, drugs and dancing, bars make me drink, which leads to me dancing and making bad decisions. Drugs, well we know I can't do those.
Friday nights have changed for me and that's thanks to you boys, a typical Friday night used to be coming home from work in the afternoon either drinking or using, then going out. I'd continue to drink at a bar, friends house, the street in the car any where I could. I did drug deals in alleys and bathrooms I'd stay up all night and start again or I'd pass out at a strangers wake up and drink away the pain.
Tonight?
Well I'm proud to say, I went to a yoga class ( at the place I live), went to an AA and NA meeting and am journaling because I want to do other things. I, about to read some magazines, take a bath and maybe call a friend.
I have met so many new friends, they are so awesome. Some have been sober And clean for years others months, weeks or a couple days but we all have the same intentions health happiness and sobriety.
I love the housing I'm in, it's transitional housing it is part of the rehab program I was in. It's filled with women, kids, and dogs even comes and say hello. I get the therapy I need, the meetings I now live for, the education and support on pregnancy and adoption. I also get help for getting my GEF I never thought I'd get it.
I have the best roommate ever, she is due with a girl April 4th, she is going to have her and move to the next step of the program, another housing facility. I'm going to miss her so much, she will be placing her baby with what sounds like an amazing family and I'm so happy for her, We had a baby shower for her here today not with presents or food, we can't afford them but wrote letters to her baby, we wrote letters to the baby in 18 years, and we wrote what we love about mommy to be, those are our baby showers, inspirational. Our baby showers arnt about gifts or food it's about friendship and celebration, it's about ways to stay sober and be a great mom. Everything will be put into a scrap book for the mom to be.
I can't wait for mine, these showers it doesn't matter if you keep your babies or not and I love that. I never thought I'd get a baby shower I'm not sure who would throw it but my new friends will!
I'm loving my new life and I love you both.
Mommy
It's Friday night and I'm sitting in my room. I could go to a bar, I could go do drugs, I could go dancing, but those are my triggers and I need to stay away from bars, drugs and dancing, bars make me drink, which leads to me dancing and making bad decisions. Drugs, well we know I can't do those.
Friday nights have changed for me and that's thanks to you boys, a typical Friday night used to be coming home from work in the afternoon either drinking or using, then going out. I'd continue to drink at a bar, friends house, the street in the car any where I could. I did drug deals in alleys and bathrooms I'd stay up all night and start again or I'd pass out at a strangers wake up and drink away the pain.
Tonight?
Well I'm proud to say, I went to a yoga class ( at the place I live), went to an AA and NA meeting and am journaling because I want to do other things. I, about to read some magazines, take a bath and maybe call a friend.
I have met so many new friends, they are so awesome. Some have been sober And clean for years others months, weeks or a couple days but we all have the same intentions health happiness and sobriety.
I love the housing I'm in, it's transitional housing it is part of the rehab program I was in. It's filled with women, kids, and dogs even comes and say hello. I get the therapy I need, the meetings I now live for, the education and support on pregnancy and adoption. I also get help for getting my GEF I never thought I'd get it.
I have the best roommate ever, she is due with a girl April 4th, she is going to have her and move to the next step of the program, another housing facility. I'm going to miss her so much, she will be placing her baby with what sounds like an amazing family and I'm so happy for her, We had a baby shower for her here today not with presents or food, we can't afford them but wrote letters to her baby, we wrote letters to the baby in 18 years, and we wrote what we love about mommy to be, those are our baby showers, inspirational. Our baby showers arnt about gifts or food it's about friendship and celebration, it's about ways to stay sober and be a great mom. Everything will be put into a scrap book for the mom to be.
I can't wait for mine, these showers it doesn't matter if you keep your babies or not and I love that. I never thought I'd get a baby shower I'm not sure who would throw it but my new friends will!
I'm loving my new life and I love you both.
Mommy
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Day 42
Dear babies,
Wow day 42 that's amazing. I know it seems like nothing to you boys but it's huge one day you will understand. You will understand why I had to do drugs so I could get a wake up call, why I went to rehab so you could be as healthy as possible and why I think I'm finally comfortable with the idea of adoption, wow that sounds crazy, I wouldn't say I'm at piece with my decision but I know it's the right decision and there is still lots of time.
I met with a social worker today I loved her. I looked trough adoptive parents profiles, parents who could raise you, though I will probably still think of me as mommy. There were so many nice looking parents, some with dogs, some cats, some single, some black, white and blue. Gay straight and single. There are so many options. I have the perfect family in my mind now I need to find them. I have lots of paperwork to fill out all about me, your dad and my past.
It's scary to think about my past. My family that never was, my siblings who resent me and my parents I barely know. I hope you don't have that you don't deserve it. You boys deserve the best, you deserve a family, you deserve siblings who,will,love you, you deserve everything I didn't get and that's why your going to go to the best family there is.
They ask about your dad and I don't know what to say, so I called him today. I have not talked to him since he packed my bags and left them at the door when I was early in my pregnancy. I won't forget when he said I cheated on him, or when he said to never talk to him again. He ignored me. I texted him stating I'm putting the babies up for adoption, he doesn't deserve to know that your boys. He didn't care I was homeless, he didn't know I went to rehab and when I texted him he asked me about drugs I didn't answer. I can't. I can't begin to think of how to answer the question of do you have meth? No I don't, I don't today won't tomorrow and won't in five years, I'm better then that. I'm to strong for drugs I'm stronger then him im Clean and that takes courage he' doesn't care about me he didn't ask about other best boys ever and that's okay, he doesn't need to know.
I think you boys were kicking me today but I'm not sure, I know you want more pizza though!
Love you,
Mommy
Wow day 42 that's amazing. I know it seems like nothing to you boys but it's huge one day you will understand. You will understand why I had to do drugs so I could get a wake up call, why I went to rehab so you could be as healthy as possible and why I think I'm finally comfortable with the idea of adoption, wow that sounds crazy, I wouldn't say I'm at piece with my decision but I know it's the right decision and there is still lots of time.
I met with a social worker today I loved her. I looked trough adoptive parents profiles, parents who could raise you, though I will probably still think of me as mommy. There were so many nice looking parents, some with dogs, some cats, some single, some black, white and blue. Gay straight and single. There are so many options. I have the perfect family in my mind now I need to find them. I have lots of paperwork to fill out all about me, your dad and my past.
It's scary to think about my past. My family that never was, my siblings who resent me and my parents I barely know. I hope you don't have that you don't deserve it. You boys deserve the best, you deserve a family, you deserve siblings who,will,love you, you deserve everything I didn't get and that's why your going to go to the best family there is.
They ask about your dad and I don't know what to say, so I called him today. I have not talked to him since he packed my bags and left them at the door when I was early in my pregnancy. I won't forget when he said I cheated on him, or when he said to never talk to him again. He ignored me. I texted him stating I'm putting the babies up for adoption, he doesn't deserve to know that your boys. He didn't care I was homeless, he didn't know I went to rehab and when I texted him he asked me about drugs I didn't answer. I can't. I can't begin to think of how to answer the question of do you have meth? No I don't, I don't today won't tomorrow and won't in five years, I'm better then that. I'm to strong for drugs I'm stronger then him im Clean and that takes courage he' doesn't care about me he didn't ask about other best boys ever and that's okay, he doesn't need to know.
I think you boys were kicking me today but I'm not sure, I know you want more pizza though!
Love you,
Mommy
Monday, March 3, 2014
Day 40
Dearest BOYS!'
Yes I found out I was reluctant I didn't want to get attached but as my therapist told me today I'm already attached. How can I not be? I'm creating you? Your breathing, growing, kicking and fighting with each other inside me, it's crazy. Your measuring small and that scares me could be because of the drugs, they have told me the risks, preterm labor, heart problems, birth defects, still birth, withdrawal, and more finally i cut them off, I couldn't bare to hear more of what I did to you. Your measuring small the due date is still on track but there expecting an early birth, again because well you know why I won't say it again.
I met with an adoption agency today and went to a support group. I read through profiles of parents and I found one couple I loved. If I were to place you they would be the ones. They can give you everything I can't, an education, a home ( I'm in a shelter/transitional housing) a stable family lots of toys and the chance at an amazing life. I can offer love, an ear to listen with, hugs kisses and support. I can't offer you a college education I don't have a high school education. I can't offer yo a nice house, I can't guarantee a warm meal, and I can't give you a family.
What will I do? I have no idea, I can find housing I can get food I can get an education and I can provide but on lots of assistance. I'm trying to stay sober and clean but it's so damn hard. I cry and I want a drink, I laugh and I want to get high, I'm lonely and I want to find my friends who are addicts and using. It's so damn hard I think how can I do this and raise babies?
Only time will tell,
Until then I can offer you a home in my belly, nutritious food I eat, and all the courage to move forward for all of us.
Mommy
Yes I found out I was reluctant I didn't want to get attached but as my therapist told me today I'm already attached. How can I not be? I'm creating you? Your breathing, growing, kicking and fighting with each other inside me, it's crazy. Your measuring small and that scares me could be because of the drugs, they have told me the risks, preterm labor, heart problems, birth defects, still birth, withdrawal, and more finally i cut them off, I couldn't bare to hear more of what I did to you. Your measuring small the due date is still on track but there expecting an early birth, again because well you know why I won't say it again.
I met with an adoption agency today and went to a support group. I read through profiles of parents and I found one couple I loved. If I were to place you they would be the ones. They can give you everything I can't, an education, a home ( I'm in a shelter/transitional housing) a stable family lots of toys and the chance at an amazing life. I can offer love, an ear to listen with, hugs kisses and support. I can't offer you a college education I don't have a high school education. I can't offer yo a nice house, I can't guarantee a warm meal, and I can't give you a family.
What will I do? I have no idea, I can find housing I can get food I can get an education and I can provide but on lots of assistance. I'm trying to stay sober and clean but it's so damn hard. I cry and I want a drink, I laugh and I want to get high, I'm lonely and I want to find my friends who are addicts and using. It's so damn hard I think how can I do this and raise babies?
Only time will tell,
Until then I can offer you a home in my belly, nutritious food I eat, and all the courage to move forward for all of us.
Mommy
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Day 39
Dear Babies
Today was the hardest day yet. I woke up thinking what am I going to do. I'm always thinking this, today I went to a meeting, mommy needs her meetings they re 12 step meetings for drugs and alcohol. I pray I don't pass this addictive personality onto you both. See, almost everyone in our family has this problem. My mom is in prison, I found out today she gets out next month, I have no idea where My dad is but last I knew prison as well. My sister is like me but has not gone through rehab. She has kids but I don't see them or her much anymore. My brother has practically disowned me and understandably so.
I have not proven much to him to myself or anyone, I have yet to graduate highschool and don't have a relationship with my family. I am so lucky to be meeting amazing sober women where I'm at. They are an inspiration. I had a hard time today I went to my meetings and saw my brother. It's hard seeing him he doesn't trust I can do this and I want to prove it to him, only time will show this but I'm impatient.
Sundays are hard a lot of people here go to see their families and my brother saw me but didn't give me a hug goodbye and was very standoffish, I don't blame him we barely have a relationships he won't let me see his kids ( ages 6 months, 4 and 7) and his wife wants nothing to do with me. It's sad, Sundays are family days and all I saw was my brother for a few hours with no hug or nothing really fun about it. We talked and it was hard. We talked about growing up and I wanted to know how he turned out so good and I didn't, he didn't have an answer and neither do I. However I know I can't focus on the negative I must focus on the positives, I'm clean sober and building a new relationship with my brother. I have two amazing healthy babies in me that will have an amazing life no matter what I decide. I can't wait to find out if your boys or girls tomorrow super excited!
You both have made me want pizza so once again it was pizza night, pepperoni is our favorite apparently, and no we didn't eat the whole thing however by the end of the night we just may.
Love you both!
Mommy
Today was the hardest day yet. I woke up thinking what am I going to do. I'm always thinking this, today I went to a meeting, mommy needs her meetings they re 12 step meetings for drugs and alcohol. I pray I don't pass this addictive personality onto you both. See, almost everyone in our family has this problem. My mom is in prison, I found out today she gets out next month, I have no idea where My dad is but last I knew prison as well. My sister is like me but has not gone through rehab. She has kids but I don't see them or her much anymore. My brother has practically disowned me and understandably so.
I have not proven much to him to myself or anyone, I have yet to graduate highschool and don't have a relationship with my family. I am so lucky to be meeting amazing sober women where I'm at. They are an inspiration. I had a hard time today I went to my meetings and saw my brother. It's hard seeing him he doesn't trust I can do this and I want to prove it to him, only time will show this but I'm impatient.
Sundays are hard a lot of people here go to see their families and my brother saw me but didn't give me a hug goodbye and was very standoffish, I don't blame him we barely have a relationships he won't let me see his kids ( ages 6 months, 4 and 7) and his wife wants nothing to do with me. It's sad, Sundays are family days and all I saw was my brother for a few hours with no hug or nothing really fun about it. We talked and it was hard. We talked about growing up and I wanted to know how he turned out so good and I didn't, he didn't have an answer and neither do I. However I know I can't focus on the negative I must focus on the positives, I'm clean sober and building a new relationship with my brother. I have two amazing healthy babies in me that will have an amazing life no matter what I decide. I can't wait to find out if your boys or girls tomorrow super excited!
You both have made me want pizza so once again it was pizza night, pepperoni is our favorite apparently, and no we didn't eat the whole thing however by the end of the night we just may.
Love you both!
Mommy
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Day 38
Dear babies
I think every night as I lay alone in bed, I think about the family I can't provide you I think about the fAmily you could have if you went to another mom, and boy saying another mom that hurts, I'm Your mom I'm supposed to be your mom. I am supposed to be able to provide for you, to care for you and to love you. I love you both I love you so much it hurts, I love you so much that I can't look at ultrasound pictures because I don't want to get attached In case I choose adoption. I love you so much that the thought of giving you up crushes me yet makes me so happy. I talk to parents at an adoption agency I am working with the adoptive parents tell me these stories and I think what a gift I could give to someone but your my gifts your gifts to me I don't give up gifts.
I think about your dad I try to think we had good times together but the relationship was never good. It felt comfortable it was better to be with someone then to not be. I got kicked out and tried to go back, why in the world would I do that? Am I an idiot? Maybe that was my wake up call to go to rehab. I went over drunk knocking on the door he slammed it in my face I got kicked out of where I was staying and checked into rehab. The was the lowest of the low maybe I had to get to that low to notice what's wrong with me.
When I lay in bed tonight I'll think of the two precious babies in me, the babies who deserve a life I may not be able to give them.
I love you both so much
Mommy
I think every night as I lay alone in bed, I think about the family I can't provide you I think about the fAmily you could have if you went to another mom, and boy saying another mom that hurts, I'm Your mom I'm supposed to be your mom. I am supposed to be able to provide for you, to care for you and to love you. I love you both I love you so much it hurts, I love you so much that I can't look at ultrasound pictures because I don't want to get attached In case I choose adoption. I love you so much that the thought of giving you up crushes me yet makes me so happy. I talk to parents at an adoption agency I am working with the adoptive parents tell me these stories and I think what a gift I could give to someone but your my gifts your gifts to me I don't give up gifts.
I think about your dad I try to think we had good times together but the relationship was never good. It felt comfortable it was better to be with someone then to not be. I got kicked out and tried to go back, why in the world would I do that? Am I an idiot? Maybe that was my wake up call to go to rehab. I went over drunk knocking on the door he slammed it in my face I got kicked out of where I was staying and checked into rehab. The was the lowest of the low maybe I had to get to that low to notice what's wrong with me.
When I lay in bed tonight I'll think of the two precious babies in me, the babies who deserve a life I may not be able to give them.
I love you both so much
Mommy
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