Day 49

Hi babies!
A lots happened the past few days. Your daddy got arrested, he's in jail for cocaine possession. I heard this through an old friend, a friend I no longer talk to. She called and asked me "aren't you bored?" I asked what do you mean, she says, what do you do all day? I used to sit on my butt all day doing drugs and drinking. I'd be high drunk or sleeping. Right now I'd probably be in jail with you dad, I won't lie I've been in jail it's a place I don't want to go back to. No more drug deals in bathrooms no more drinking I can't handle it and I know that. I told my friend what I do with my days, therapies, work, meetings, exercise and knew friends I think I shocked her when I told her I am 49 days  sober. I was very proud. She asked to get a drink I laughed the dumb girl didn't even listen to my words saying I'm sober went through rehab. I was proud of myself for saying no.
I am having a hard time, I know I want to put you boys up for adoption but that's so dang hard, I have names for you boys that may not get used, I had fantasies about what my life would be like with kids, I thought I'd be married with the white picket fence, but that's not for me not now. I was going to stay home while my husband worked as a doctor or lawyer, maybe every girl has that dream. I want you to have that, that's why I'm placing you boys. You will stay together there is no way I will separate you.
I met with my brother today, we had. Really great lunch, we talked for two and a half hours we have never talked that long. He still won't let me around his kids, I understand that he doesn't trust me yet I need to earn his trust. I don't know how he turned out so well, he has the life I want for you boys, I hope one day you can meet him he's who I look up to right now. I want his life, a kids wife a great marriage making enough money ect. You boys will have that.
I have a family I'd love to meet, but I'm scared I'm scared to make that leap and reach out to them. They are two dads, they want a very open adoption and I'm so scared to reach out to them, like their a celebrity or something, one is a pediatrician the other a school teacher. You would have good health and a great education. But why am I so scared to reach out? Will they sy no to me? If I said I did drugs early on will they deny me? Will they love you like I do?
Not only am I happy with what these dads look like on paper I feel like they have the hardest time getting a child. A lesbian couple one can get pregnant, they can use a surrogate there are options these dads have none.
Maybe I'll write to them and reach out its a huge leap though I'm not sure I'm ready to take but will I ever be?
Love you,
Mommy ( feels wierd saying that though)