Day 38

Dear babies
I think every night as I lay alone in bed, I think about the family I can't provide you I think about the fAmily you could have if you went to another mom, and boy saying another mom that hurts, I'm Your mom I'm supposed to be your mom. I am supposed to be able to provide for you, to care for you and to love you. I love you both I love you so much it hurts, I love you so much that I can't look at ultrasound pictures because I don't want to get attached In case I choose adoption. I love you so much that the thought of giving you up crushes me yet makes me so happy. I talk to parents at an adoption agency I am working with the adoptive parents tell me these stories and I think what a gift I could give to someone but your my gifts your gifts to me I don't give up gifts.
I think about your dad I try to think we had good times together but the relationship was never good. It felt comfortable it was better to be with someone then to not be. I got kicked out and tried to go back, why in the world would I do that? Am I an idiot? Maybe that was my wake up call to go to rehab. I went over drunk knocking on the door he slammed it in my face I got kicked out of where I was staying and checked into rehab. The was the lowest of the low maybe I had to get to that low to notice what's wrong with me.
When I lay in bed tonight I'll think of the two precious babies in me, the babies who deserve a life I may not be able to give them.
I love you both so much
Mommy