Day 40

Dearest BOYS!'
Yes I found out I was reluctant I didn't want to get attached but as my therapist told me today I'm already attached. How can I not be? I'm creating you? Your breathing, growing, kicking and fighting with each other inside me, it's crazy. Your measuring small and that scares me could be because of the drugs, they have told me the risks, preterm labor, heart problems, birth defects, still birth, withdrawal, and more finally i cut them off, I couldn't bare to hear more of what I did to you. Your measuring small the due date is still on track but there expecting an early birth, again because well you know why I won't say it again.
I met with an adoption agency today and went to a support group. I read through profiles of parents and I found one couple I loved. If I were to place you they would be the ones. They can give you everything I can't, an education, a home ( I'm in a shelter/transitional housing) a stable family lots of toys and the chance at an amazing life. I can offer love, an ear to listen with, hugs kisses and support. I can't offer you a college education I don't have a high school education. I can't offer yo a nice house, I can't guarantee a warm meal, and I can't give you a family.
What will I do? I have no idea, I can find housing I can get food I can get an education and I can provide but on lots of assistance. I'm trying to stay sober and clean but it's so damn hard. I cry and I want a drink, I laugh and I want to get high, I'm lonely and I want to find my friends who are addicts and using. It's so damn hard I think how can I do this and raise babies?
Only time will tell,
Until then I can offer you a home in my belly, nutritious food I eat, and all the courage to move forward for all of us.
Mommy