Day 0

Disclaimer: I don't write this blog for negative comments, they will not be read or posted so don't bother. I write this blog for therapeutic purposes for myself and to be 100 percent honest with my babies and myself for once in my life


Dear babies,
That's right the title says day 0. My roommate had her baby girl this  morning,  a gorgeous baby girl, healthy and happy, I went to see her and the baby in the hospital. She was planning on placing the baby. She's a perfect baby a few weeks early but perfect. My roommate ( I will protect her identity and call her roommate) delivered the baby and didn't look at her. The adoptive parents came in and took over. I was visiting with my roommate at the hospital today, we  talked and cried. She wanted to see the baby but was scared to. I told her she had every right to see her baby and the baby was still hers.she decided she wanted to and she saw the baby, the love, the smile on her face is something I don't know how to explain it was love, she held the baby for a long time I went home, she calls me to come back so I do, she says she can't go through with it, when she said those words I knew what she meant she couldn't place the baby. A decision she was so sure about, the parents who were perfect that she picked, she couldn't go through with it.
 She broke hearts today but made her heart happy. Maybe it's selfish I don't know. I'm not sure how it happened I went home as she was meeting with a social worker but I know she is going to keep the baby. In a matter of 12 hrs her mind gets changed.
Tonight I was scared, I am scared. I am anxious, I'm sad. I'm sad for the life I can't give you, I'm sad for the parents who thought they were becoming parents today, I'm happy for my roommate and sad that she will be leaving me. I'm scared for the possible dads you could have, I'm scared at my reaction when your born, I know I can't keep you but I never though if I'd look at you guys if I could if I'd want to hold you and how my thinking would change if I did.
 Adoption didn't feel so real until today and i made the worst mistake I could. I borrowed someone's car, put on sweats and a baggy sweatshirt and turned into an addict. I had one goal in mind and that was to drink my sorrows away. I drove quickly through yellow and red lights like a bat out of hell to get that drink. I went into the store, no one could tell I was pregnant I wasn't embarrassed, ashamed or thinking it was a bad idea. I got a bottle of vodka and some sprite. I figured I can't drink caffeine I'll drink sprite, it never occurred to me to get the coke and not the vodka. We can't have drugs or alcohol where I live so I sat in a gas station parking lot drinking my sorrows away. A swig of vodka a swig of sprite, think, touch my belly repeat. Thus went on for four "swigs", then I saw a baby outside, I called my sponsor with vodka in one hand non caffeinated soda in another sitting in my car with the keys next to me in the cold. We talked about why I'm drinking and what I'm thinking. Was it a good idea for me to go to the hospital? Is it a good idea to be around women who are pregnant? We did decide, I am not going to the hospital when people have babies anymore. It made me nervous, it brought emotions that I can't deal with but need to learn how to, which obviously I haven't learned to yet. I was vulnerable I still am.
My sponsor came to pick me up, we dumped out the vodka and the sprite as the sprite had tastes of vodka on the lid she stayed with me for a while. I called and confessed to my roommate the selfish act I committed  tonight. She admitted her selfish act, her change of heart and the next steps she will take. Now I sit on my bed in a room, an empty room thinking of my friend and her change of heart and what would happen if I have a change of heart. Selfishly I tell myself I can drink more I won't be raising these babies or having to deal with the problems you will have cause I'm an idiot, then I kick myself. I can't believe I am taking like this, like a self centered ass whole. So I journal I com e here to write it may not make sense it may seem terrible but The first step to sobriety is honesty. I don't know what to say tonight but I'm being honest.
Right now is a new day, when I threw the alcohol away I started over it's back to day one.
I am sorry, you have no idea how sorry I am. I just want to give you the perfect life it's just so damn hard.