Day 4

Dear Babies,
As I sit here and I write day four it hurts, I wish it wasn't. I wish I was not living with regrets for what I did the other night but I am. I've heard babies are more effected by drinking and drugs early in the pregnancy while this is  comforting to me now I think back to the beginning of my pregnancy and the ways I screwed up so early on.
I got an ultrasound today, your both measuring very small, healthy but tiny, probably the effect of drugs, my fault.  The doctors said they won't know much till your born and you will probably be taken away from me right away by child protection services, deserved to say the least. So the fact that I hopefully have two great dads for you boys helps. I can't believe I could do this to two,little humans who have yet be born. I'm not even giving you a fighting chance. It was not just alcohol the night I relapsed I'll leave it at that. I seriously want to curl up in a ball and cry, which I do. I want you guys in a different moms belly one who can take care if you even before your born. If I'm screwing up now could you imagine me as a mom?
I am so sorry