Dear babies,
My 12 step programs talk to me about a higher power. I never know what to say at meetings when people talk about God or their higher power so I just say higher power, I rarely say that or talk about that though, it's taken me a long time to say " hi I'm lila I'm an addict". It used to be simple I'm lila, I was embarrassed and I did t want to admit it. Now I see new comers who are in rehab ( we have three programs ) step one is inpatient, step two is transitional inpatient rehab ( for lack of a better term), step three is transitional housing ( where I will go after your born). Anyways back to my story for you boys, I go to twelve step programs ( I'm on step two of the rehab program), and I gladly say I'm an addict. I don't know what to say when we talk about higher powers. I honestly don't believe in anything, I'm not religious and I never was.
Well, last night I was a little depressed. I was second guessing adoption, no one was a round and my brother is ignoring me I believe. I went to a liquor store I decided I will just walk in, no harm there right? I walk in and walk put, I drive a little and go into another liquor store. Once again I step out get in my car and drive along, I hit the third one I grab a case of beer and I'm in line holding a case of beer at 18 weeks pregnant.
I'm next in line and I feel something in my tummy, maybe it was you guys kicking me ( though I hear this doesn't happen till later) maybe you boys were fighting ( it's to early for that by the way play nice please), maybe one of you were moving ( I know small space in there). I feel it and put my hand on my tummy, I'm big enough to look pregnant. The person at the register says next and I stand there with my hand on my tummy I notice the stairs I'm receiving, rightfully so a pregnant women in a liquor store holding something that warns pregnant women not to drink it. Again the person at the counter says next, I feel something I feel the stares and I walk away.
Someone follows me, I put the case away sigh and smile I walk out. A lady comes out, she tells me I am so proud of you I know how hard that must have been, she understood, we talk for a little bit, she tells me she was having a hard night had been an alcoholic and in recovery for 1 year as of today. She to was in line with a bottle of rum in her hand. She thanked me, I said I did nothing my babies did. You babies are my higher power. You are that ladies higher power. She walked out and drove home to her husband and kids, I drove to the 24 hour doughnut shop and I was happy. I was relieved I kept touching my belly thanking you boys as I sat in the car crying. I did what your supposed to do at these times, yes it was late but I made some calls, I left a voicemail for my sponsor vowing to get a doughnut and go home and I did. I get back and my roommate is there we turn in a chick flick and eat doughnuts, drink hot chocolate, and talk about how amazing a sober life is. We stay up late in our pjs laughing and crying talking to our babies.
I didn't choose this life, you didn't either it's not fair to you. I didn't choose any of this but I can change it. Thanks to you boys I was able to get up this morning and thank my boys for getting me to day 46. Maybe those were flutters I felt maybe gas I have no idea but if I wasn't pregnant I wouldn't feel them. I wouldn't be here I'd maybe be in jail or a hospital thanks to your dad.
I wonder if I will let you guys read these one day, it's a lot to handle but maybe one day you will understand why I placed you at what's going to be an amazing home. You will hopefully thank me and hopefully not understand my addiction.
Thank you for being you, thanks for staying in there, we are almost half way there.
Love you!!!!
Mommy
Wow that's amazing! Firstly you are definitely far enough to feel them kick and I'm so glad they're taking care of their mommy :) You just did one of the hardest things any addict can do and that's walk away when you want to use. When I first got clean I walked into a meeting and they told me that I never had to use again even if I want to. I still believe that four years later. Also I wanted to tell you that I felt the same about Religion when I got clean. I learned that a higher power is something bigger than you that keeps you clean. I have a really good friend who is an atheist and his higher power is the group because he always feels better in a meeting. It can be that simple. I think what you went through was a moment from your higher power. How crazy that you're standing in a liquor store and another person in recovery was there too! You're doing a great job! Remember all you have to do is focus on today :)
ReplyDeleteI cried reading this. Way to go momma.
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