Day 2

Dearest boys,
I've made it to day 2. Not easy to say the least, but lots of meetings, healthy eating, working out and talking to people who understand have helped. I met your potential fathers today. I was so nervous to meet them. I didn't know if I should tell them what I did this week and the relapse. I was so scared to meet them in such an informal environment. However it went great. I did a lot of crying I usually am crying these days. We had an informal talk for 2.5 hours, and it was so casual like the three of us had known each other all along. I told them right away about my relapse. I told them I understood if they wanted "out" as I obviously harmed their babies, but they assured me they were not going any where. They told me next time I'm in That position to give them a call, they gave me a picture of them I'll keep in my purse and every time I think about a relapse I can look at that picture and remember the lives I'm carrying for two amazing people. I'm in no way ready to make a final decision and I let them know that and they appreciated the honesty. Either way they said they want to be involved in my life and help me. They said they don't want me to change my mind but understand the process. I reassured them if I give you up you would be going to them I'm not talking to any other families. They assured me they would wait for me they would not be looking into other children and would hold out hope. So all together we have this uncertain informal agreement of sorts.
I go to the doctor this week and said I'd call them after the appointment and send them pictures.
I don't have much else to tell you boys as I'm in a sort of shock but I'm in a much better place then a couple days ago, I thank you two:)