Dear Babies,
As I sit here and I write day four it hurts, I wish it wasn't. I wish I was not living with regrets for what I did the other night but I am. I've heard babies are more effected by drinking and drugs early in the pregnancy while this is comforting to me now I think back to the beginning of my pregnancy and the ways I screwed up so early on.
I got an ultrasound today, your both measuring very small, healthy but tiny, probably the effect of drugs, my fault. The doctors said they won't know much till your born and you will probably be taken away from me right away by child protection services, deserved to say the least. So the fact that I hopefully have two great dads for you boys helps. I can't believe I could do this to two,little humans who have yet be born. I'm not even giving you a fighting chance. It was not just alcohol the night I relapsed I'll leave it at that. I seriously want to curl up in a ball and cry, which I do. I want you guys in a different moms belly one who can take care if you even before your born. If I'm screwing up now could you imagine me as a mom?
I am so sorry
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Day 2
Dearest boys,
I've made it to day 2. Not easy to say the least, but lots of meetings, healthy eating, working out and talking to people who understand have helped. I met your potential fathers today. I was so nervous to meet them. I didn't know if I should tell them what I did this week and the relapse. I was so scared to meet them in such an informal environment. However it went great. I did a lot of crying I usually am crying these days. We had an informal talk for 2.5 hours, and it was so casual like the three of us had known each other all along. I told them right away about my relapse. I told them I understood if they wanted "out" as I obviously harmed their babies, but they assured me they were not going any where. They told me next time I'm in That position to give them a call, they gave me a picture of them I'll keep in my purse and every time I think about a relapse I can look at that picture and remember the lives I'm carrying for two amazing people. I'm in no way ready to make a final decision and I let them know that and they appreciated the honesty. Either way they said they want to be involved in my life and help me. They said they don't want me to change my mind but understand the process. I reassured them if I give you up you would be going to them I'm not talking to any other families. They assured me they would wait for me they would not be looking into other children and would hold out hope. So all together we have this uncertain informal agreement of sorts.
I go to the doctor this week and said I'd call them after the appointment and send them pictures.
I don't have much else to tell you boys as I'm in a sort of shock but I'm in a much better place then a couple days ago, I thank you two:)
I've made it to day 2. Not easy to say the least, but lots of meetings, healthy eating, working out and talking to people who understand have helped. I met your potential fathers today. I was so nervous to meet them. I didn't know if I should tell them what I did this week and the relapse. I was so scared to meet them in such an informal environment. However it went great. I did a lot of crying I usually am crying these days. We had an informal talk for 2.5 hours, and it was so casual like the three of us had known each other all along. I told them right away about my relapse. I told them I understood if they wanted "out" as I obviously harmed their babies, but they assured me they were not going any where. They told me next time I'm in That position to give them a call, they gave me a picture of them I'll keep in my purse and every time I think about a relapse I can look at that picture and remember the lives I'm carrying for two amazing people. I'm in no way ready to make a final decision and I let them know that and they appreciated the honesty. Either way they said they want to be involved in my life and help me. They said they don't want me to change my mind but understand the process. I reassured them if I give you up you would be going to them I'm not talking to any other families. They assured me they would wait for me they would not be looking into other children and would hold out hope. So all together we have this uncertain informal agreement of sorts.
I go to the doctor this week and said I'd call them after the appointment and send them pictures.
I don't have much else to tell you boys as I'm in a sort of shock but I'm in a much better place then a couple days ago, I thank you two:)
Friday, March 21, 2014
Day 0
Disclaimer: I don't write this blog for negative comments, they will not be read or posted so don't bother. I write this blog for therapeutic purposes for myself and to be 100 percent honest with my babies and myself for once in my life
Dear babies,
That's right the title says day 0. My roommate had her baby girl this morning, a gorgeous baby girl, healthy and happy, I went to see her and the baby in the hospital. She was planning on placing the baby. She's a perfect baby a few weeks early but perfect. My roommate ( I will protect her identity and call her roommate) delivered the baby and didn't look at her. The adoptive parents came in and took over. I was visiting with my roommate at the hospital today, we talked and cried. She wanted to see the baby but was scared to. I told her she had every right to see her baby and the baby was still hers.she decided she wanted to and she saw the baby, the love, the smile on her face is something I don't know how to explain it was love, she held the baby for a long time I went home, she calls me to come back so I do, she says she can't go through with it, when she said those words I knew what she meant she couldn't place the baby. A decision she was so sure about, the parents who were perfect that she picked, she couldn't go through with it.
She broke hearts today but made her heart happy. Maybe it's selfish I don't know. I'm not sure how it happened I went home as she was meeting with a social worker but I know she is going to keep the baby. In a matter of 12 hrs her mind gets changed.
Tonight I was scared, I am scared. I am anxious, I'm sad. I'm sad for the life I can't give you, I'm sad for the parents who thought they were becoming parents today, I'm happy for my roommate and sad that she will be leaving me. I'm scared for the possible dads you could have, I'm scared at my reaction when your born, I know I can't keep you but I never though if I'd look at you guys if I could if I'd want to hold you and how my thinking would change if I did.
Adoption didn't feel so real until today and i made the worst mistake I could. I borrowed someone's car, put on sweats and a baggy sweatshirt and turned into an addict. I had one goal in mind and that was to drink my sorrows away. I drove quickly through yellow and red lights like a bat out of hell to get that drink. I went into the store, no one could tell I was pregnant I wasn't embarrassed, ashamed or thinking it was a bad idea. I got a bottle of vodka and some sprite. I figured I can't drink caffeine I'll drink sprite, it never occurred to me to get the coke and not the vodka. We can't have drugs or alcohol where I live so I sat in a gas station parking lot drinking my sorrows away. A swig of vodka a swig of sprite, think, touch my belly repeat. Thus went on for four "swigs", then I saw a baby outside, I called my sponsor with vodka in one hand non caffeinated soda in another sitting in my car with the keys next to me in the cold. We talked about why I'm drinking and what I'm thinking. Was it a good idea for me to go to the hospital? Is it a good idea to be around women who are pregnant? We did decide, I am not going to the hospital when people have babies anymore. It made me nervous, it brought emotions that I can't deal with but need to learn how to, which obviously I haven't learned to yet. I was vulnerable I still am.
My sponsor came to pick me up, we dumped out the vodka and the sprite as the sprite had tastes of vodka on the lid she stayed with me for a while. I called and confessed to my roommate the selfish act I committed tonight. She admitted her selfish act, her change of heart and the next steps she will take. Now I sit on my bed in a room, an empty room thinking of my friend and her change of heart and what would happen if I have a change of heart. Selfishly I tell myself I can drink more I won't be raising these babies or having to deal with the problems you will have cause I'm an idiot, then I kick myself. I can't believe I am taking like this, like a self centered ass whole. So I journal I com e here to write it may not make sense it may seem terrible but The first step to sobriety is honesty. I don't know what to say tonight but I'm being honest.
Right now is a new day, when I threw the alcohol away I started over it's back to day one.
I am sorry, you have no idea how sorry I am. I just want to give you the perfect life it's just so damn hard.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Day 57- the perfect family
Dear babies,
There is no such thing as a perfect family I have come to accept that, families fight and argue, some have parents, some have black sheeps others don't talk to each other but at the end of the day everyone gathers around the table and talks bout their day. Maybe they bitch, maybe they complain, maybe they fight but they talk and they listen to each other. This is what I learned today when meeting potential dads, we will call them A and J.
There perfect family is one where they can sit at the dinner table and argue, fight, discuss and go to bed happy . They understand things happen, they know there will be fights, that they will make mistakes and that parenting a child is the hardest thing ever, the biggest responsibility ever ( especially when it's someone else's kid) and mistakes will happen. However at the end of the day they want to come home and be able to sit down to discuss argue and laugh about their day.
Today we met, and they told me their plans. They have had this planned for years.
A and J work, they plan to still work, stating daycare is good for kids. They would want to hire a nanny the first year then off to daycare to socialize meet friends and learn. A is a teacher J is a pediatrician. A and J both have parents who are still together and living close by. they both have siblings, and lots of nieces and nephew, everyone is living close by and excited for them to finalize an adoption. They are half Jewish half Catholic and celebrate all major holidays for each religion. They are big on traditions and family. Sunday night dinners happen weekly as do trips to the mountain house. A and J travel often and can't wait to take their children with them. They live a healthy life style exercising, doing yoga and enjoying the outdoors.
But most of all, they understand me, or they pretend to. They know I come from an addictive family, they know my past, they know what I want my future to be. They know the potential risks you boys face and they know the risks of adoption, they have had two failed placements, they understand my decision and understand I could back out at anytime. They understand I will always be mom, and I like that. I,like that there are two dads, selfishly I don't want you to have another mom, however I'm well aware that this could happen with adoption.
I am going to get lunch with them on Sunday. Right now I just want to get to know them they want to get to know me that is all it is. I don't think I will invite them to drs appointments anytime soon though.
Love mommy
There is no such thing as a perfect family I have come to accept that, families fight and argue, some have parents, some have black sheeps others don't talk to each other but at the end of the day everyone gathers around the table and talks bout their day. Maybe they bitch, maybe they complain, maybe they fight but they talk and they listen to each other. This is what I learned today when meeting potential dads, we will call them A and J.
There perfect family is one where they can sit at the dinner table and argue, fight, discuss and go to bed happy . They understand things happen, they know there will be fights, that they will make mistakes and that parenting a child is the hardest thing ever, the biggest responsibility ever ( especially when it's someone else's kid) and mistakes will happen. However at the end of the day they want to come home and be able to sit down to discuss argue and laugh about their day.
Today we met, and they told me their plans. They have had this planned for years.
A and J work, they plan to still work, stating daycare is good for kids. They would want to hire a nanny the first year then off to daycare to socialize meet friends and learn. A is a teacher J is a pediatrician. A and J both have parents who are still together and living close by. they both have siblings, and lots of nieces and nephew, everyone is living close by and excited for them to finalize an adoption. They are half Jewish half Catholic and celebrate all major holidays for each religion. They are big on traditions and family. Sunday night dinners happen weekly as do trips to the mountain house. A and J travel often and can't wait to take their children with them. They live a healthy life style exercising, doing yoga and enjoying the outdoors.
But most of all, they understand me, or they pretend to. They know I come from an addictive family, they know my past, they know what I want my future to be. They know the potential risks you boys face and they know the risks of adoption, they have had two failed placements, they understand my decision and understand I could back out at anytime. They understand I will always be mom, and I like that. I,like that there are two dads, selfishly I don't want you to have another mom, however I'm well aware that this could happen with adoption.
I am going to get lunch with them on Sunday. Right now I just want to get to know them they want to get to know me that is all it is. I don't think I will invite them to drs appointments anytime soon though.
Love mommy
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Day 56
Dear boys,
Tomorrow is the big day. 10am I will be meeting two dads, two dads who seem to have it all. Jobs, houses, families, friends and pets. They have more then I can offer you. I have tried I really have but I don't see this working. I don't have many friends left aside from ones I met in rehab, I have no family, I do talk to your uncle sometimes but not often. I have a terrible job waiting tables making crap for money and I have no furniture, no car no home. I gave up my car I was to afraid of getting a DUI. That's sad, I drink so much I don't drive, sad.
Tomorrow at 10 I will see your potential dads, I will meet two people who have no other way to start a family but through adoption. That's why I picked them, lesbians can get pregnant, couples can try to get pregnant and have an easier time adopting, gay dads can't. They have no other offer so I offer them this gift the gift of adoption. They will meet me, I'll show them ultrasound pictures and I will hope they fall in love with you because I sure as hell have.
Tomorrow is the big day. 10am I will be meeting two dads, two dads who seem to have it all. Jobs, houses, families, friends and pets. They have more then I can offer you. I have tried I really have but I don't see this working. I don't have many friends left aside from ones I met in rehab, I have no family, I do talk to your uncle sometimes but not often. I have a terrible job waiting tables making crap for money and I have no furniture, no car no home. I gave up my car I was to afraid of getting a DUI. That's sad, I drink so much I don't drive, sad.
Tomorrow at 10 I will see your potential dads, I will meet two people who have no other way to start a family but through adoption. That's why I picked them, lesbians can get pregnant, couples can try to get pregnant and have an easier time adopting, gay dads can't. They have no other offer so I offer them this gift the gift of adoption. They will meet me, I'll show them ultrasound pictures and I will hope they fall in love with you because I sure as hell have.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Day 55
Hi my lovely boys,
I made is through saint Patricks day with no beer in hand.... I was freaked out about it but didn't go into a bar and didn't take a drink. Every st Patricks day I would go get plastered and high not this one I went to work, to meetings and talked to your possible birth daddy's on the phone I also got to see you boys again. I had a ultrasound yesterday and your both still measuring small I keep hoping your going to grow more. I'm considered high risk because of the drug use, and that's probably why your both so tiny, I'll be monitored weekly, but that also means I get to see you boys more.
I talked to your possible daddies yesterday for a half hour and I love them. We are setting up a time to meet on Thursday at the agency I'm so nervous. I told them everything there is to know I was very honest and forward they asked questions shares my concern but said they'd accept US no matter what. When they said us and not the babies I almost cried, someone to accept me? I've never had that. They are local and live In a great area of town. They have no other kids and are not sure if they'd want more at this point. They want a very open adoption as do I so I'm hoping this works out!
You would love them!
love, me:)
I made is through saint Patricks day with no beer in hand.... I was freaked out about it but didn't go into a bar and didn't take a drink. Every st Patricks day I would go get plastered and high not this one I went to work, to meetings and talked to your possible birth daddy's on the phone I also got to see you boys again. I had a ultrasound yesterday and your both still measuring small I keep hoping your going to grow more. I'm considered high risk because of the drug use, and that's probably why your both so tiny, I'll be monitored weekly, but that also means I get to see you boys more.
I talked to your possible daddies yesterday for a half hour and I love them. We are setting up a time to meet on Thursday at the agency I'm so nervous. I told them everything there is to know I was very honest and forward they asked questions shares my concern but said they'd accept US no matter what. When they said us and not the babies I almost cried, someone to accept me? I've never had that. They are local and live In a great area of town. They have no other kids and are not sure if they'd want more at this point. They want a very open adoption as do I so I'm hoping this works out!
You would love them!
love, me:)
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Day 53
Dear Babies,
I need to stop going to Walmart, Target, the grocery store and anywhere there are babies and things. I guess I need to stop going out. Everywhere I go I see baby medicine at the grocery store, baby clothes at malls, baby strollers at Target, baby bottles at Walmart and babies out and about. People come up to ask how far along I am, what I'm having, oh twins what fun you must be so excited they say. I go along with it unsure of how I feel. At times I'm super excited, at times I'm scared, at times I'm mad, happy and sad.
I went to target today I was wondering the baby section, I found bedding that would be perfect, but I don't have a room to put it in. I found car seats that go with strollers, but don't have a car to use. I found bottles, baby food, silverware and baby bowls but don't have a kitchen to put it.i see bouncy seats with monkeys and matching swings but I can't find a place to put those. I see families with babies I see crying babies and think how would I handle that. I see happy babies and think would you boys be happy with me? I see women with big wedding rings and think those babies must have it all, then I remember money won't buy happiness.
I think of the life I could give you and I think of the life you could have. All you need is love, that's what the Beatles say at least, but you need more then that. I barely have an income, I don't want to raise two boys living on assistance my whole life. I want you boys to live in the house with the picket fence, with two moms, two dads, single, white or black I want someone who can raise you because I can't. I am scared, at times I feel hopeless, at times I feel vulnerable and like I could be taken advantage of. At times I know this is right at times I think it's wrong. I wonder how the hell I'll be able to give you boys up. I wonder if I screwed you guys up and that's why your measuring so small. I worry about learning disabilities, birth defects, colick, delays and more. I can't stop thinking about what I did to you guys I don't deserve you guys.
I don't know what to call myself either. He'll, I'm writing to you guys and I call myself mommy, but what if so done else is your mommy, that hurts to think about so for now I will sign it...
Love you boys,
Me...a mom for 9 months
I need to stop going to Walmart, Target, the grocery store and anywhere there are babies and things. I guess I need to stop going out. Everywhere I go I see baby medicine at the grocery store, baby clothes at malls, baby strollers at Target, baby bottles at Walmart and babies out and about. People come up to ask how far along I am, what I'm having, oh twins what fun you must be so excited they say. I go along with it unsure of how I feel. At times I'm super excited, at times I'm scared, at times I'm mad, happy and sad.
I went to target today I was wondering the baby section, I found bedding that would be perfect, but I don't have a room to put it in. I found car seats that go with strollers, but don't have a car to use. I found bottles, baby food, silverware and baby bowls but don't have a kitchen to put it.i see bouncy seats with monkeys and matching swings but I can't find a place to put those. I see families with babies I see crying babies and think how would I handle that. I see happy babies and think would you boys be happy with me? I see women with big wedding rings and think those babies must have it all, then I remember money won't buy happiness.
I think of the life I could give you and I think of the life you could have. All you need is love, that's what the Beatles say at least, but you need more then that. I barely have an income, I don't want to raise two boys living on assistance my whole life. I want you boys to live in the house with the picket fence, with two moms, two dads, single, white or black I want someone who can raise you because I can't. I am scared, at times I feel hopeless, at times I feel vulnerable and like I could be taken advantage of. At times I know this is right at times I think it's wrong. I wonder how the hell I'll be able to give you boys up. I wonder if I screwed you guys up and that's why your measuring so small. I worry about learning disabilities, birth defects, colick, delays and more. I can't stop thinking about what I did to you guys I don't deserve you guys.
I don't know what to call myself either. He'll, I'm writing to you guys and I call myself mommy, but what if so done else is your mommy, that hurts to think about so for now I will sign it...
Love you boys,
Me...a mom for 9 months
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)